my list of 20 random thoughs that are spinning my head

So with the bomb being dropped,
I'm trying to figure out how I can make things happen.
I'm stressssssedddd out.
I'm so stressed out
1. i want to sleep
2. i can't sleep
3. i can literally feel my hair starting to fall out
4. i have aged 5 years at least in the last 48 hours
5. i'm not sure if i'm having a heart attack or a panic attack
6. i took 3 antidepressants today hoping that it would help
7. i can no longer fake it from my kids
8. drove by the rental shacks today that I could afford and my 8 year old freaked out on me. freaked out as in he locked the doors and told me there was no way he would ever get out of the car - let alone live there.
9. i'm trying to decide if I should dye my hair brown. 
***let me clairfy - the hair will be to its original color (after 20 years of highlights). So, wether I do it or my hair goddess does is - is the only question.
10. my laptop is going back
11. my heater will be turned OFF and anyone in my house will be wearing all the clothes they own
12. i will stop garbage collection at my house and just take mini bags of garbage with me where ever i go. (might just start at reduction)
13. toilet paper will be taken from public restrooms.
14. the $10 I pay for basic cable will be turned off
15 the internet will also be turned off..... heck if I have no laptop - theres no need for internet.  problem solved there.
16. self phone minutes will be reduced
17. i could become vegetarian... as meat is to expensive.
18. i'm going to live by candle light.... as that's cheeper than light bulbs.
19. powered milk?  think the kids will drink it?  Or i can get a galloon of whole milk and dilute it with 3/4 water.... BAMMMMMM 4 gallons of milk???? right.
20. get some sort of job??? where? doing what?
21. sell my: bed, dresser, leather couches, pampered chef pans, camping stuff???
***but if I sell that stuff then what do I sit on, sleep on or cook out of?

well I guess if wont matter if I'm homeless.

FML

wow

geez...
I havent blogged on this site for so long that I actually forgot changing the background to the ugly image that it is.
(must fix that)
geez no wonder I only have 4 followers

summer.... summer time

What to blog....
what to blog.....
i feel that this summer has been pretty laim and a waste.
I took college algebra as a on-line summer class, which basically kicked my a**
My june and july has been spent with
keeping the kids busy,
homework,
teaching myself math,
weekly tests,
laundry,
store,
meal planning
2 birthday's (wait 3)
paper work,
dealing with 'soon to be ex'
CONSTANTLY changing schedule
trying to have personal time
and all with NO money.

busy busy busy as usual.

Last day of 1st grade.

Well, we are officially on summer vacation. I'm excited... and at the same time i guess it is bittersweet.
Will this be the last summer with the boys? By saying that I am really implying that the summer of 2011 I will be in a FullTime Radiography Program OR the RN Program.  Both of which are 40 hours a week AND homework.  So I'm sad.....   I want to do as many things as possible with the kids this summer, however the #1 challenge is $. I have NONE, and no clue where funds will come from.  Some of my finances are tied up with the attorney (who is NOT returning my phone calls), and my student loans and financial aid is on hold, waiting for 2009 taxes to be completed???
So currently the list of things I need money for is:
1. summer tuition (due NOW)
2. million dollar math book (need monday)
3. #2's birthday party
4. food
5. house hold bills
6. gas
7. meds

NOW, if money were not a option..... here is my list of places I will take my boys
1. camping
2. to utah
3. to tahoe
4. Galt
5. DisneyLand
6. to the RedWood Forrest
7. Light House
8. Zoo

I want to have a fun summer with my boys.
I want to get focused on me and my schooling, I want straight A's.
I want life to be easier.

what to do????

So..... I'm thinking of starting a new blog.
I'm not sure if I should do it anonymous or not.... and the reason it would not disclose my name, as it would include all the blunt, forward, filter less, gory details of my life and my existence.  It would be a no-holds barred type of blog or online journal. 

So people could read about the crazy... you wouldn't believe it if I told you, things that are happening to me - daily existence and life.   I guess it would also be a way for me to get things off my chest. I guess it wouldn't really matter if people read it, or commented on it... as I would just be doing it for myself.  

So why not write in a paper journal?   Well, basically... in a nut shell I type 55 words a minute.
Which would result in me getting a paragraph busted out in a few minutes, rather than spending an hour or so writing things out in hand.  Which then.... could result in people getting a hold of "said diary" and reading it and
then judging and/or having their feelings hurt.....    or something to that effect.
Another reason, is that it would not be "tied and/or linked" to my photography business, my future career, my children...... my family and/or my friends.  Basically there would only be a select few people that would know that the said 'future-filter less blog' is written by me.

I guess another option would be for me to .....  adjust this blog, the blog of Crystal is seeking ORGANIZATION... aka CrystalunClear....    and re-adjust it from 'list making' to
this is my life...... but in a very VERY VERY filtered manner. 
So basically, I couldn't and wouldnt have any RAW VENTS,
or any RAW FACTS.....   I would have to continue on the "this is my happy fake life and how I'm attempting to deal with it or  not deal with it"   

Another plus to doing a 'annonomous blog...' is I could choose another 'host', rather than BLOG SPOT, and possibly even get some $$$ doing it.  I think that companies advertise on the blog/page and I could get paid some $$$, course then.... the said company would of course know my true identity.

So the 3rd or 4th possibility (i lost track, SEE that's why I make lists)  I could start my blog off of my friends web/blog site.   (my30's.something) ***funny as that is on my list too, to contact her and get that blog up and running***

Of course I really don't have the time for 3 blogs, not writing in all 3, I mean how would I keep it all straight. Besides, I barely have time to write in this one.  Course the main reason for that is....
if I have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all.  =)

SO my options are  (yes I'm making a list....)
1. keep this list blog - where it's PG, and not written in and rather boring
2. alter this list blog to a filtered version of my - crystal-unclear soon to be CRYSTAL CLEAR life....
3. start an RAW... THIS IS REALLY MY LIFE ANONYMOUS BLOG -
4. go to my friends BLOG and contribute to her amazing idea.   =) 
4a. go to my friends blog and contribute to her amazing idea - but in the raw anonymous - filter less way - as in item #3.

So I'm guessing 2,3 or 4....  and MAYBE 4a

Any ideas to the people that even read this crap I write?

=)

XOXOXO
Crystal~Clear.  (p.s.   ~ I'm ready, where are you!)

really?

i think its been a very very long time since i have written or posted anything  and my delima has been if i really want to open up and bare my sole, start a new blog start a annonomous blog, start a funny blog, a positive blog, a blog about my living situation, my divorce, my singe mom status, my fulltime college experiencesl all of the above ......none of the above   a joint blog with angel      who knows , but all i can say is that everything pretty much sucks right now

list of things that i dont like - about my new life as a single mom

1. nobody to ask me how my day was.
2. nobody to strach the itch I can't reach, or crack my back
3. all the household chores are mine and mine alone
4. if I need 10 minutes to myself, I have no one to watch the kids
5. no more "you cook, I will clean" I get to do both
6. no one to snuggle with when it's cold outside
7. no converstations about current events or our favorite shows
8. no one to fight over the remote with
9. no one to help me look for my phone when I misplaced it
10. family dinners seem strange with just me and the kids
11. even though it's 2009 - there is still a sense of shame
12. not sure what to do about my last name
13. 'the first time I heard the 2yr old say "mommy's house" ' was horrible
14. not looking forward to the holidays.... halloween, thanksgiving, christmas, new years.
15. not working together towards something
16. men are afraid of me
17. I'm afraid of men
18. I'm tired of pretending that everything is okay
19. It's exhausting to live up to the "strength" that people think I have
20. I dont feel like I belong anywhere